Two concepts frequently in the news are “self-care” and “boundaries.” But how do these apply to relationships? When you look at self-care and boundaries in a relationship context, there are steps you can take that go beyond buzz words and improve your life. September is National Self-Care Month. With 1 in 4 women and 1 in 10 men facing the prospect of being in an abusive relationship in their lifetime (per the CDC), now is the right time to examine and improve all your relationships.
Does your partner or friend have expectations that line up with yours? Healthy relationships require shared values and expectations around independence, equality, trust, honesty, and fun. Having a strong sense of self, owning your values, and developing a good relationship with yourself can be protective factors against relationship harm. As adults, when we talk to youth about setting boundaries in relationships, we don’t just mean romantic relationships. Familial relationships and friendships set the stage for romantic partnerships. Other meaningful self-care activities intricately linked to relationship health include engaging in enjoyable hobbies, creating connections to your community, and spending time self-reflecting.
How then do you set boundaries? Healthy boundaries are a key element in relationship self-care. Boundaries aren’t immovable walls around us, but they are important guidelines of what we will and won’t accept from others. The first step in setting boundaries is noticing your emotional reactions to things: maybe your stomach gets tight when you are receiving too many text or voicemail messages. Maybe you are starting to feel taken advantage of by your partner and are becoming resentful. By understanding and recognizing our own emotions, we can notice if our boundaries are being crossed.
Next, have a clear conversation: focus on your feelings about the situation and remember to use “I” statements. This could be as simple as: “I love getting texts or voicemail from you often, but lately I have been feeling pressured to answer them too fast” or “I feel uncomfortable sharing my passwords with you. I know I used to, but now I am feeling that privacy is important to me.”
We all have the right to communicate our feelings in our relationships. Be prepared to honor yours! It can be hard to set a boundary and stick to it: maybe we are being pressured to drop our boundary and fear we will lose the relationship if we don’t. If someone makes you feel guilty or pressures you to change your mind, that could be a sign that they are not respecting your autonomy. Lastly, if you notice a pattern of disrespect or ignoring your boundaries, you may need to honestly reassess the relationship or friendship. Healthy relationships are a form of self-care! By setting clear boundaries, and communicating often, you can feel confident that your relationships are on their way to staying healthy.
If you are experiencing abuse or bullying—or know someone who is — contact Turning Points Network at 800-639-3130. We are here to listen and to help. You will find safety and respect as you explore your options.
OUR TURN is a public service series by Turning Points Network (TPN) serving all of Sullivan County with offices in Claremont and Newport. We provide wraparound support for survivors of domestic and sexual violence, stalking, and human trafficking and we present violence-prevention education programs in our schools. For more than 40 years, TPN has helped people of all ages move from the darkness of abuse toward the light of respect, healing, and hope. For information contact 1.800.639.3130 or www.turningpointsnetwork.org or find us on Facebook.
